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[Newbie]

Let's start by saying that my Fiancee is a christian and I am not, we discussed this early in our relationship and it has really never been a hindrance. My Fiancee's brother in law is an ordained pastor and one of the most respected persons in our life. When I finally popped the question after 4 years of dating my fiancee and I asked him (Lets call him J) to marry us, he agreed as long as we met with him once a week for pre-marital counseling. The counseling has been going on for a month now and it was going great, until today.

It started out normal such as how finances would be handled, children, discipline, who would work or would we both work, eventually discussion came to the topic of spiritual beliefs and J realized that my beliefs weren't going to change before the wedding, in which he said "I love you both, but I cannot in good faith marry you two having different spiritual beliefs"

This devastated us, especially my fiancee. She immediately began to tear up in the meeting and as we left let it go in the car, the whole drive home was miserable. We couldn't imagine anyone else marrying us and he denied us because of me, because I'm not the same. I kept analogizing to her but she kept telling me that it wasn't my fault, but I still feel it is.

My question is, is there anything I can say to J to change his mind without forcing myself to change my beliefs? Is he being fair with his decision? I feel contempt towards him for making this decision but if it feels wrong to him I shouldn't be upset with him.

Any advice would be very appreciated.

[jimwalton]

Marriage is not just sealing the relationship into a permanent commitment, it's a joining to two lives at every point, especially the deepest and most meaningful ones. I think we would all agree that the best marriages, and the one we all dream to have, is a no-holds barred oneness and unity that conquers our differences and creates as much an integration of two persons as is possible in this life. I think it's fair to say that whether you're a believer or a non-believer, you believe in total marriage, involving much more than friendship and romance.

Christian marriage, by definition and practice, has a sacred character, and is the joining of two persons with the person of God. Two become one in the Lord, and God is the core of the relationship, through whom two people share their lives as completely as if they're one person. If that's true, that the two of you do not share in common what a Christian considers to be their relationship of highest priority—their relationship to God—then a total marriage will never be a reality. A Christian and non-Christian cannot share their most precious values, their ultimate motivations, the source of their moral code, the governing authority in their lives, and the goal for which they live. For the Christian, all these things are God. While your love for each other could be as deep as the ocean, and your desire to be together as strong as gravity, ultimately you'll be two puzzle pieces that don't fit together.

2 Corinthians 6:17 speaks of a distinction of nature between that which is oriented towards God and that which is oriented elsewhere. A Christian marrying a non-Christian is like a farmer hitching an ox on one side of the yoke to a goat on the other. But it's not just the impracticality of direction (which you may claim you can overcome, and many have), it's the joining of two very dissimilar lives that are dissimilar at the very core of their being. Your directions in life are, for the time being, basically irreconcilable. Christianity is not just a religion, it's all of life. If one of you loves God more than anything else, and the other doesn't, there an impossible incompatibility far deeper than how well you get along and how much you love each other.

That's, I'm guess, why J won't marry you. He knows the Bible.

[Same Initials]

Paul also says "And a woman who has an unbelieving husband, and he consents to live with her, she must not send her husband away. 14For the unbelieving husband is sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified through her believing husband; for otherwise your children are unclean, but now they are holy. 15Yet if the unbelieving one leaves, let him leave; the brother or the sister is not under bondage in such cases, but God has called us to peace.…"

It sounds to me that Paul is more okay with the idea of a believer and a non believer being together than he is against it. I am in no way a theologian so I may be misinterpreting this, what do you think?

[jimwalton]

Thanks for bringing that into the discussion. Those verses (1 Cor. 7.13-15) are talking about people who are ALREADY married. What the verses are saying is that if two people are already married, and one of them becomes a believer during their marriage, the new believer shouldn't seek a divorce on those grounds. But if the unbelieving husband or wife wants out, wants a divorce, they should (or are permitted to) divorce. So, you can see, it's a different situation, and doesn't really speak to the idea of INITIATING a marriage under those circumstances.

[Same Initials]

So what you're saying is that it's perfectly acceptable for a Christian to be married to a non believer as long as they got married before one was a believer, but it isn't okay if one of them is already a believer? Sounds a bit silly.

[jimwalton]

Yeah, you got it, but it's not silly. It's a matter of conflicting values, but in one situation it's already a done deal, so no reason to make it worse. Here is a list of some of the values present in the case:

1. God wants everyone to have a relationship with him and values that relationship above all else.
2. God wants people who have a relationship with him to marry only those people who also have a relationship with him, so the marriage can reflect his nature. He values holy relationships.
3. God wants people who are married to stay married, because he values faithfulness and commitment.

The highest priority is always value #1.

So, if a believer isn't married, the holy choice is to marry another believer, reflecting value #2, and trying earnestly not to mess up value #1 (which too often happens if one violates value #2).

But if two people are married, and one of them becomes a believer, NOW what should they do? They've already lost value #2, because value #1 (becoming a believer) took priority over it. But does that now mean they should chuck value #3 to the winds and divorce? God says no. If the unbelieving partner wishes to stay the course, then give it a try. It may not work, but it's worth a try. But if it isn't going to work, value #2 has priority over value #3, and so they should divorce in that case.

I mean, we all do this all the time. We find ourselves facing conflicting values and have to try to make the wisest decision we can given the circumstances and the ranking of values. The same thing happens in the life of a believer, and so we try to make the wisest decision we can given the circumstances. But that's different than deliberately choosing to create difficult circumstances. But it's still a matter of priorities. Giving one's life to Jesus is the highest priority for humanity, in my opinion, and it trumps all other values and relationships.